Sean Redenbaugh

A hundred million shells of white

Each one the same and side by side

All joined as one and huddled tight

Beneath the sunlit ocean tide

Are seen from space in disbelief

To decorate the endless sea

Yet what brings beauty to the reef

Is boundless vast diversity

For if each piece were all the same

The reef would surely lose mystique

And life, in turn, would feel so lame

If all who live were not unique

There’s something I have lostSomething from the pastAnd something I have missedThroughout the years that passed

I can’t recall its nameI can’t recall its placeBut the emptiness is realBeneath the smile on this face

And in its absence I pretendThough the mask is wearing thinYet without it I can’t beAll the things that I have been

When the apple tree has gifted all its fruitAnd stands among the forest stark and dimNo longer will the sparrow in commuteStop to rest upon its barren limbs

When the pomegranate shares away its seedAnd has no more to offer to the larkNo longer will the weary stop to feedWhen the table has but solitude and bark

Be not thine own familiar foeLet opportunity not pass unto the nightLet day not stand the bearer of thy woeAnd chance the faded shaming of thy sight

Be not thy private adversary’s kinAnd cast remorse upon the able soulLet not derision occupy thy post withinNor on the fires of pity pitch the coal

God lend me some perfectionYou have saved for summer’s eveBeneath a fog of failed rejectionI must beg to be relieved

God send me some sweet visionIn your guidance I shall trustFor departure from derisionI beseech you if I must

God give me some assuranceThat in time I will prevailGod bless me with enduranceIn these times of no avail

I have not yet to this far world gaveA fraction of the feelings I have foundAnd sadly I will likely to the graveRest in thoughts my words could not resound

And yet I struggle daily to confideThe wondrous things abound upon the dayTipping that deep basin kept insideTo flood the land in my own weary way

With all that I in blessing have been shownAnd all that I in spirit have conceivedGod’s beauty is too vast for me aloneIn but a thousand lifetimes to perceive

In speaking to the tree a wasted wordIn time confiding in the stars aboveIn flying through the sky beside the birdI gave to them a moment of my Love

In watching that sweet sunset fall belowIn walking past the unbeknowing fernIn spending time in silence as I goI lent to them compassion in return

In but a single piece of frozen timeMy eyes beheld a sight that could not beA moment cast forever in sublimeA glimpse of what I’ve always longed to see

I closed my eyes a second to be certainThat on the other side was just as realAs she that I have seen beneath the curtainOf a dream that seemed so perfect and surreal

And when my eyes had opened in returnFrom that unspoken magical domainHer eyes reflected all that I have yearnedWith all the beauty of the falling rain

The light was cast upon her timeless faceThat but the fairest angel could compareAnd I was lost in her enchanted graceIn one amazing solitary stare

For one brief moment all had disappearedAnd we were standing silent and aloneIn but a single moment more sincereThan any I had ever come to know

Sunlight take away from meAll the things I haveGive me all that you may deemPerfection cannot make me sad

Strip the borders of my soulThread the needle of my eyeGive me that which makes me wholeAdjust the rhythm of my mind

And when it all is said and doneAnd I have been set freeI shall thank the sacred sunFor giving life to me

Should heaven be on the wayAt the passing of the stayAt the breaking of the nightWould you be in my sight?

Should heaven be on the wayAt the turning of the bayAt the sinking of the seaWould you belong to me?

Should heaven be on the wayAt the closing of the dayIn the eden high aboveWould we still be in Love?

Be this light the light of dreamsAnd none that shall compareEver fell among the beamsOr spoke unto the air

Be this day the day of dreamsAnd those yet to arriveIn silence or in faded screamsOn this day will derive

Be this night the night of dreamsAnd all that passed beforeFall into forgotten seamsOn far forsaken shores

Be this girl the girl of dreamsAnd time shall cease to beNight and day and all extremesWill halt at Love’s decree

Without thinking, without blinkingIs the feeling all but goneIs it burning, is it yearningTo come out and sing its song

And when it does will I have knownThat all that’s lost is lost for goodAnd all that comes is better grownFrom all that’s lived and understood

Or will it slip beneath my gripAnd sail forever on the windLeaving only anguish on the lipOf he who stands where he begins

Where must one man goTo find the fairest fallsHow far the river flowsHow loud the mountain calls

Where must one descendTo find the lowest lowHow quick the seasons endHow deep the canyons go

Where must one ariseTo reach the highest highHow bright the brightest skiesHow sad the saddest sigh

And where in all of timeCan be found the proper placeFor a lifetime of sublimeAn eternity of grace

Clouds that gathered in the darkAmassed above the peakWithdraw their post without remarkAnd fade unto the meek

Tides that swell beneath the moonBestowing seeds of painFall in shades of deep maroonRegressing with the rain

Cold that billows in the shadeResurging from the pastFeels the warmth of day pervadeThe murmur of the vast

It matters not how black the nightHow dark the midnight shoreTime will pass beneath the lightOf morning washed ashore

Why do I hurt?I’ll tell thee whyFor all the faded feelings I belieFor all the coy confusions of the heartAnd all the sad impressions I impart

Why do I cry?I’ll tell thee whyTo slay the beastly visions of my eyeTo liberate the demons of delightAnd free the wicked creatures of the night

Why do I write?I’ll tell thee whyTo slay the surly savages awryTo drown the haunting nightmares in my sleepAnd save the subtle secrets that I keep

Many moons have bound this heartTo one unearthly starFostered feelings in the lightAnd cradled dreams afar

Yet altered in the light of mornAnd scattered by the dayAre moments lost in time forlornAdrift in disarray

Awaiting that untimely sleepOf sunlight’s daily choreFor achromatic skies to keepAlive the nights before

The daily dance of sun and moonOf seasons dark and lightOf feelings colored sad maroonRekindled in the night

All of my surroundingsShine like paint upon my skinConcealing all the secrecyThat slumbers deep within

All the world ever seesIs my unfaltering veneerYet beneath the dry exteriorQuite distant shores appear

Whether sunlight falls or starI cannot seem to showThe truth that I concealThe subtleties that flow

Underneath the dour shadowThat is blanketing the skyIs the purest form of sunlightThat has breached the arrant high

Far beyond the things I seePast what cannot be attainedLies to some obscure degreeA feeling wholly unexplained

Hidden under veils of careSafe behind a wall of griefBeauty lies quite unawareTo those who live without belief

And if they never think to lookBeyond the surfaces that showTime will ever close the bookOn all that they could ever know

Life will simply come and goDays will pass without goodbyeAnd most will sadly never knowThe secrets life cannot deny

I could fill a notebook every dayWith all the things I hope to someday doAll the places I would like to goAnd every girl that I pretend is you

No place that I have been can quite compareTo any place that I have yet to seeAnd no girl that I have met is even closeTo what I’ve always visioned you to be

I want to be the one you callWhen nothing seems to go your wayI want to catch you when you fallAnd lift you from the disarray

I want to be the perfect sightThat steals your gentle breath awayI want to shield you from the nightAnd fill you with the light of day

I want to be the endless springThat pushes winter back in timeI want to be the one to bringA higher level of sublime

I want to be your soon to comeI want to be your pastI want to be your only oneI want to be your first and last

Crawling on the jungle floorInches from the wilted greenFailing in the search for moreLonging for the truth unseen

Dragging on with battered limbStretching out among the weedsBegging each to bring the endTo all of life’s forsaken needs

Watching as the trees go byListening to whispers toldScreaming out a silent cryFor secrets lost in years of old

Timeless suns and countless moonsSentries on a distant wingSinging in the faintest tunesThat winter ever bringeth spring

A cloud of darkened purpleSits above a sea of blackProtecting all that lies beneath itCatching dust upon its back

High above the colors fadeFrom purple to a deep azureA perfect mix of every essenceThat the world has kept pure

And far below the blanket skyResting softly in the vastLies a world undisturbedYet forsaken just as fast

I can still remember the first timeI saw a drop of rain fall from the skyI understood not why it must descendAnd wondered if the source was heaven’s eye

But what would cause the sanctified to weepAnd who could be distressed upon the highFor nothing where it lands could quite compareTo the houses of the holy in the sky

This distant land is new to meYet sacred all the sameThe past is but a memoryWhere echoes call my name

And far behind me lies a timeWhen I could barely seeWhen I could only halfway climbThe smallest of the trees

And I have seen a thousand yearsPass by in disarrayAnd watched the moon light fallen tearsThat grace the light of day

And all are lost who disbelieveThat time cannot be savedThat Love cannot be bottled upAnd taken past the grave

I wish I had controlTo take advantage of the daysTo find the ocean of my soulAnd ride a thousand different waves

I wish I had the valorTo release from this embraceAnd put the words that I empowerIn the actions that I chase

I wish I had the wisdomNot to fear the things I learnAnd for once to find the courageNot to run from what I yearn

A thousand days of wisdomCould not save me in the endAnd a lifetime of forgivenessWould not leave me on the mend

So I wonder would it matterIf the days laid front to backAnd the first step of the ladderWas the only one that cracked

If I took the light of summerAnd lit the darkness in the nightWould the words that echoed from herSound much different in the light?

Sometimes I think I forgetWhere it is and where it beganThe desert where the ocean satThe valley where the river ran

And sometimes all I ever needIs the journey through it allNot to touch the grounded treesBut simply listen as they fall

And sometimes I think I was rightAnd sometimes I just prayAnd maybe I just need the nightTo justify the day

I’ve said it all before a thousand timesAnd waited for the stars to show concernI’ve practiced to the rain with no replyAnd whispered to the wind with no return

It echoes through the heart of passing yearsAnd lives a secret life beneath my eyesIt’s spoken to the ground through fallen tearsAnd given to the night without disguise

And yet without exception it will stayA solitary secret on the runA rumor passed between the night and dayA desert lost in time without the sun

Half my life is spent on dreamsHalf trying to forgetThe sultry days amidst the beamsOf suns before they set

Half is wasted in the streetHalf inside the squareRushing madly to the beatSad and silent in the chair

Half consumed in daily fretHalf on plans to beA congregation of regretA raft upon the sea

As I am passing by belowThis perfect summer nightI see her light is still aglowThird window from the right

Calling me with silhouettesAnd touching me with graceErasing all of my regretsWith one look of her face

She takes away my memoriesThe future and the pastAnd tosses me unto the seasTo sink among the vast

Tomorrow never seems to beAnd yesterday was notThe present is eternityAnd now my only shot

And looking up I wish for moreThan silhouettes to findBut on this night as all beforeThe fear defeats the mind

So I go passing by belowThis perfect summer nightAnd watch the light retract its glowThird window from the right

Yesterday and days beforeReaching back to light the wayThe moon was dancing on the shoreAnd laughing with the light of day

The stars above and far behindIn distant lands of solitudeEchoed in attempts to findA life in doubt to be renewed

The sun upon its golden throneBurned so deep into our soulWhere seeds of childhood atoneWhat maturation has controlled

And satellites of the beyondOn flights immortal in the skiesForce the passing to respondThrough the windows of the eyes

Please take me to the place of greatest aweAnd let me stare into the face of GodSo He may wash away my greatest flawThe unbefitting grief of my facade

Please take me to the purist water’s edgeAnd let me dip my hand in righteousnessSo I may stand upon that sacred ledgeAnd cast away the sorrows I possess

Then take me to the most dejected placeForsaken and forgotten by decreeSo I may offer my undaunted graceAnd do for it what God has done for me

In times like these I seem to feel it allFrom the highest mountain to the deepest fallAnd here I always feel like I’m aloneA solitary king upon my throne

Watching all my kingdom from afarAnd gazing at the smallest distant starTo find the thing it surely must be forWaiting for me on that distant shore

Across the sea but closer than I knowWaiting for that guiding wind to blowTo push the sails with overwhelming forceAlong the line of predetermined course

From lonely moon to sanctifying sunFrom disconnected to becoming oneFrom just a single raindrop to the seaFrom capture to the final setting free

I feel it all

Ever since you told meIt’s been burning deep insideAnd from the flames that chase meI can’t seem to run and hide

And yet I always keep it quietOn the outside I am stillWith every motion I defy itAs it shreds away my will

Where every night I feel the glowCall to the prison in my heartAnd still I have no place to goSo to my cell I must depart

This feeling is quite newIt’s not as if I meant itOr even understand itBut still it lingers

Lingers like a sicknessThat cripples my daily lifeFor I cannot quite ignore itNo matter how I try

And all the while I do not understandWhat it is or where it came fromI could call it heartbreakAs I do everything else

But this time it feels like moreMore than the usual dull painWith added numbness that consumes meWith added fear that makes my insides boilWith all my nerves becoming restlessWith all my thoughts surrounding itA fog that can’t be liftedA cloud that will not blow awayA rainy day that never endsAn endless winter

And still I do not understand

Which words do I declareBeneath the midnight skyAs worthy for the airSufficient for goodbye

What thought can truth assureWhat voice can Love resoundTo brave the deep azureTo comfort puddled ground

And where do I beginWhat journey can I findTo catch the hurt withinAnd rest a weary mind

It seems that every path I take is intersectingWith another headed off to breach the wallOf faded fears and insecuritiesHolding back with overbearing fear of fall

And I can only look from where I standDown the many roads that meet my ownAnd see off in the distance virgin landsThat forever will remain to me unknown

For I am filled with two distinctive wellsOne filled with all the innocence of rainThat begs me not to fall under the spellsThat creep beneath the other filled with pain

I can’t pretend it’s just a fable playing out insideOr just a feeling on the rise simply trying to hideAnd every time I feel the water falling all aroundIt wraps around me on the way to forgotten ground

But on my skin it burns with the touch of the sunA pain I can’t escape no matter how fast I runAnd so I stand there all alone in this ocean of painScreaming out the story to the inattentive rain

I’m sitting on the front porchOf my life and all of timeIs stretching out before meWhile the sun pretends to climb

And all the power in the worldRests in my own weary voiceFor I can change the journeyOf my life with but a choice

To leave it all for all untoldOr stay behind and make believeThat every dream I ever dreamtWas never meant to be achieved

And so the choice becomes a quandaryWith the power to directThe very pathway of my lifeAnd every point that I connect

So I am asking for a signFrom any willing to bestowOr maybe I’ll just let the breezeGuide me silent, soft, and slow

I saw the twilight of my lifeBefore I truly saw the dawnAnd now I sit in sad remembranceOf those seasons that are gone

Waiting for a second chanceWatching countless suns go byPlaying tug of war with timeTo push it higher in the sky

And maybe for a breath or twoSuccess will ease my troubled mindBut what it seems defines the wordI’ve yet to notice or to find

Indeed with my own eyes, or maybe justIn dreams that surely like the nail will rustI saw a glimpse of all that might and willBe waiting for me patiently and stillWhere sunlight falls in unison with timeAs sleep evokes indulgence in its prime

And I awake from some design of sleepWith countless visions I shall try to keepYet in the solitude of day I findA single glimpse still occupies my mindOf living beyond all predestined pathsAnd planning not for fallen aftermathsWith but a single map to guide my wayA canvas blank on both sides of the day

Drowning pleasures in their painDrawing comfort from the rainI ran along the road at bestAnd disregarded all the rest

Stopping for no breath of airReaching for the distant glareAnd pulling back an empty handStill stinging from the reprimand

The road in laughter called my nameAnd trees beside me hung in shameIn circles had I run awayDirection all in disarray

And finally I heard the songThat I’d been missing all alongCaught up in every day’s affairDistracted by my own despair

And thus begins a life renewedReleasing all that’s been subduedTo burst afar and ride the windAnd feel my heart and soul ascend

In this land where mountians tower highAnd echoes wander slowly through the dayI stand alone forever in JulyAnd listen to the passing disarray

Whispers I can hear beneath the breezeSoftly, as the sound of falling snowCursing as they pass the faded treesTo change the way the stoic currents blow

So all that falls beneath may rise anewTo places long forgotten and unseenAnd beauty that before was out of viewWill fill the longing spaces in between

It’s time to take a look insideAnd search our inner-most feelingsAll the places we used to hideAnd end the cowardly sinning

For time has come to confess the deedsThat beat a hole in our conscienceAnd prepare ourselves to set seaBeyond the harbor of nonsense

And on the open waters we’ll pleaTo be forgiven at lastAnd let the waves of the seaCleanse the lands of the past

Inside I have a feeling and a fearAnd though the truth is far, the dream is nearThat I may feel a lifetime worth of sunIn just a moment’s time as few have done

And if my heart gets lost from time to timeOr burdened by the mountains yet to climbI know upon my spirit it can trustTo be the mighty merchant if it must

And when the moon comes calling on my dayTo nestle in the hills and fade awayI hope that I shall find another dawnWith all the present beauty and beyond

What will be remembered of the manWho flees it all for nothing but the fleeWho drifts upon the nearest breeze he canAnd questions not the path that sets him free

And who’s to say the place where treasure liesIs lost afar or hidden in his handsOr which will look the sweeter to the eyesThat search for what no other understands

And maybe all the harmony he cravesTo calm the ebbing seas within himselfIs not the distant calling of the wavesBut all along the solemn quest itself

I find myself swimming in daydreamsIn lands arranged by the mindAnd lose myself in illusionsTo go anywhere else I can find

And joyful it is to be freeWhere none can follow my wayAnd often a lifetime is spentIn the single escape of a day

But when I do open my eyesAnd the world lacks all that I needI reach back on the beauty insideAnd slowly and softly recede

Will I know when it is overIf the feelings I have knownAre raindrops in the oceanWhere the rivers all have flown

If I could learn the secretsAnd the paths that they revealCould I live a thousand lifetimesIn the moment unconcealed

And if wishes all were grantedWould I choose what’s meant to beOr trade a single raindropFor a lifetime on the sea

Beyond the horizonUnseen by the eyeYet always afarAnd lost upon high

Among the forsakenYet wanted as muchAnd sacred in timeFor slipping the touch

Waiting in lineWhere none can pursueWe say our goodbyesAnd dream the night through

In silence we shall speakSo words cannot confuseThe essence that we seekThe meaning we would lose

So do not trust your eyesTo tell the secret trueFor many in disguiseCome prancing into view

But only touch my handAnd listen to my heartSo you will understandThe Love that I impart

With time to believeAnd none to regretWe waste it all nowAnd hope to forget

But shadows concedeAnd clouds will drift onThough time will rememberWhere all have now gone

And though it seems farAnd the future so vastThe morning comes quickAnd the night ever fast

Come join me if you willAnd we shall take a walkWhere the moonlight brings a chillAnd the treetops sit and talk

To a place I found in dreamsAnd visit in the nightWhere the weeping willow gleamsFrom the moon’s forsaken light

So follow me and seeThe secrets I have foundWhere spirits wander freeAnd the silence is profound

And maybe you will findIn a setting so surrealA beauty unconfinedAnd be lost in what you feel

The darkness seems to trick the mindAnd lead the heart astrayAnd tempt the feelings left behindTo blend with those today

And often when the light is lowIn spirit or in thoughtOn journeys to the past we goTo lands of Love forgot

So when the sun begins to partEspecially in youthBe careful that you trust your heartTo give the honest truth

For truth is found among the lightAnd in the wake of dayAnd Love is always shining brighterThan the nights portray

Throughout my first score years and fourI’ve Loved and laughed and Loved some moreBut hope indeedThrough word or deedEach year is better than before

For I have learned in little timeAnd penned from time to time in rhymeAll moments passedUntil the lastAre sacred, equal, and sublime

Is this Love contagiousWould she catch it if she couldIs Loving advantageousTo the daring one that would

And has a heart more useThan that which it portraysThe power to produceA teardrop’s misty haze

And in the precious momentWhen we feel our very soulIs this but Love’s intentHas it reached it’s only goal

Do we have the timeOr years in life to knowHow much we waste it allHow far it all would go

And do we even careFor that which we destroyTo make what we createOr times that we enjoy

And why must we go onWithout an end in sightWhere all before have goneAvoiding all that’s right

Quite useless it may be, but anywayI guess that Time has passed enough to saySo often I find Loneliness abedWhere once the tears of Happiness were shed

Watching as I brave the lonely NightCrying in the absence of the LightWishing you were lying by my sideAnd hoping that the waves of Pain subside

I spend my precious time in slow pursuitFor treasures in this life I know existTo find a piece of heaven on my routeAnd clench it with my heart’s almighty fist

And all along the way I seem to findAmong a world overflowed by hateThe ecstasy of leaving it behindAnd resting in the tender hands of fate

Where everything that happens surely willFor reasons that I never will have knownAnd maybe after all and ever stillThe treasures that I seek will be my own

The question really still remainsUnanswered through the steps of timeWho controls the pouring rainsAnd who the sacred sun sublime

And surely after we have goneA thousand years without a soundThe question will be asked againWithout an answer to be found

I smell Him on the gentle windsIn spring that pass me byI see Him in the sunlit fieldsAnd in the summer sky

I hear Him in the finch’s songSo pure and full of graceAnd taste Him in the morning rainsThat falls upon my face

And every second of my lifeAnd all that I exploreI pray will bring me closer stillTo feel and Love Him more